Thursday, 31 July 2008

• Joy Amid My Sadness

  God tells us to praise Him in all things.  Even our worst times.  I'm having more than a little trouble learning that lesson, and finding out a lot about how weak I am. 

  You see, last September, I miscarried during my third month of pregnancy.  I never even knew whether the baby was a boy or a girl.  I had just started to show.... My husband and I have been trying to conceive since March, which isn't very long.  However, we have joined a Sunday school class where literally every single couple is expecting, and if they're not expecting, they have a baby who is less than six months old.  So, all anyone talks about is baby stuff.  I was pregnant and can relate to a lot of what they're saying, but I do not dare to talk about it in front of all those new mommies.  I don't want to frighten them, or dampen their joy with my tragedy. So, I keep my mouth shut and pretend not to be bleeding all over the floor.   

  Satan has been gouging me with a hot knife, especially during our struggle to get pregnant again.  It's all his lies all over again.  "You're broken."  "It was your fault."  "It will happen again, you know it."  "You can't conceive... God made a mistake when he made you."  I know who's voice that is.  I don't want to listen to it.  I can't drown it out entirely though.  Sometimes, I can hardly hear my Savior's voice telling me He loves me, and reminding me that he promised me a child. 

  God blessed me immensely this week, however.  He, through this new Sunday school class, brought a childhood friend back into my life.  She is expecting a little girl in November.  She miscarried about the same time as me last year.  She gives me hope, and she is there to encourage me.  I hadn't had anyone to talk to who understood what happened to me.   The voice isn't as loud now.  I'm starting to rejoice for my friends.  I'm starting to praise God for my circumstance. 

  My husband convicted me the other day...  He said, "You can't sit around waiting on God's promise, you have to live until it gets here." Which I hadn't done, I had based my self worth on my ability to have children, on the kind of family I had.  The good husband, with the nice dog and perfect house and two or three little babies.  Now I want to base my self worth on my Lord.  I've been a Christian almost my whole life.  I don't think it ever meant anything until I went through the miscarriage. 

  So, I change my perspective to one of joy.  I'll praise God in all things. 

  Kimberly

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