Wednesday, 28 January 2009

• Afraid to Jump

  "I do not seek, O Lord, to penetrate thy depths.  I by no means think my intellect equal to them: but I long to understand in some degree thy truth, which my heart believes and loves.  For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe that I may understand."   -Anselm

  This quote really sums up where I am right now.  I want to trust Him so badly, but I do not understand what He is doing.  So, I have chosen to trust God, and believe that His ways are perfect, in hopes that one day, I will understand why I am going through all of this crap.  I have to choose to resist the temptation to try to control Him: I have to walk in faith, even when it's blind faith.

  I am reading a book titled Your God is Too Safe by Mark Buchanan.  It talks about how people get stuck in "borderland;" just far enough into their faith journey to get to heaven, and yet just far enough away from God to keep things comfortably predictable.  Because, lets face it... our Saviour is the furthest thing from predictable, and we simple humans cannot be satisfied unless we can solve the equation and control the situation.  Buchanan discusses how we create an image of the true God that we can control and who we worship dutifully and redundantly to make ourselves feel good.  He is the god that is our genie in a bottle; the god we ask to grant our 3 wishes and to not mettle in our affairs until we come to a crisis... then we beg for his intervention.  "Safe-god" can't convict me, or tell me to drop my life and go minister, he can't mettle, or make things uncomfortable.  But that god cannot love me with wild abandon, he cannot comfort me, he can't even grant my 3 wishes.  In my opinion, "Safe-god" is nothing more than a tool used by Satan to neutralize our threat to him.

  So, here I stand at the edge of a cliff.  All I have to do is take that step of faith like Indiana Jones in the scene from the third movie (sorry, don't remember the title) where he comes to the cliff with no visible way to get to his treasure.... the whole time, there was a bridge and all he had to do was just step onto it.  I know that God will help me across, and yet I know that making the decision to walk in His will is risky.  Christ asks us to make hard decisions... to give great sacrifices.  The perfect example is Abraham and Isaac: Abraham was asked to sacrifice his long-awaited son.  I've gone through so many hard tests already... what else will I endure for his glory?  Losing two babies is like having the very life sqeezed from my veins.  It hurts, and to know that God is in control, it hurts my feelings and makes it difficult to trust Him.  I do know, with my whole heart, that He loves me, that He has my very best interest at heart, and that He uses all things for His glory.  He is the Life Giver; I cannot leave His side.  I am resolved to walk in His will and to praise Him the whole way.  He will never give me more than I can handle, that is His beautiful promise to us.

  I will rely on these words of the Psalmist: "I raise my eyes towards the mountains.  Where will my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.  He will not allow your foot to slip; your Protector will not slumber.  Indeed, the Protector of Israel does not slumber or sleep.  The Lord is a shelter right by your side.  The sun will not strike you by day, or the moon by night.  The Lord wil protect you from all harm; He will protect your life.  The Lord will protect your coming and going both now and forever."  Psalm 121

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